FOCUS: One Powerful Word That Will Inspire a Kid Who Says, “I Can’t Do It!”

Many parents instinctively know that calling a child “stupid” could influence that child’s idea of how smart she is and cause her to behave differently when learning something new. But as it turns out, a child calling herself “stupid” can have the same effect.

The danger of negative self-talk Let’s suppose you’re back in high school, and you’re nervous about a big science test coming up. You tell yourself, “I’ll probably fail anyway, so why even study?” By telling yourself that, you’ve given up before the test even happened and envisioned a futur

e for yourself where you’ll skip studying. If you do skip studying, you’ll have increased the chances that you’ll fail the test. Instead, consider what would happen if you told yourself, “I’m nervous about the science test, but studying will help me feel more confident.” You’d be more likely to study and therefore more likely to do well on the test. This phenomenon is called a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, when you declare something like this to yourself or another person, it’s enough to influence your behaviour to fulfill that declaration of “truth.”

But the most common response doesn’t work When kids engage in negative self-talk, it may sound like: I’m no good at this, I can’t do it, it’s too hard, I’ll never learn how to read. Because we love our kids more than anything else in the world, our gut reaction as a parent is to convince them that their words aren’t true: You are good at this! Yes, you can do it!, You will learn to read. I believe in you!

But have you noticed that when you try to fight your child’s negative self-talk with your own positive words, it doesn’t work? I learned that lesson the hard way with my 9-year-old. It took me a while to realise that when I unleashed a slew of positive affirmations, it actually made her attitude worse. She’d furrow her brow, cross her arms on her chest, and shut herself off from me. I’d unknowingly turned her frustration into a power struggle instead of addressing the heart of the issue.

This is what we’re missing. Here’s what your child is really saying when she talks bad about herself: I’m frustrated, I feel bad that I made a mistake, I’m scared I won’t be able to figure this out. When we respond with positive affirmations, this is what our kids hear: Don’t be frustrated! Don’t feel bad!, Don’t be scared!

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I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling those emotions and someone responds by telling me not to feel those emotions, I don’t take it very well. Which means the real problem is that we’re not stopping to empathise with our kids’ big and scary emotions. In that moment when your child gets easily frustrated  and her confidence is shaken, she doesn’t feel heard. So, what can you do in that moment when you hear your sweet child saying mean things about herself, to herself?

Say one simple word.…yet. Adding this one word builds your child’s confidence by giving her a vision of her future where she does “get” it. She’ll make choices that will help her live up to that new “truth.” Which means this little word is important for your child to hear, but it’s just as important for you. Because saying “…yet” will stop you from spewing out positive affirmations that will just make your child dig her heels further into the muck of negative self-talk.

For the best results when teaching optimism, grit, and stick-to-it-iveness, you’ll want to follow up “yet” with a little more guidance:

1. Yet – When you hear your child engage in negative self-talk, close the distance between you, look them in the eye, and repeat their statement but add “…yet” to the end. Depending on the statement, it may work better to say “…not yet.”

2. Empathise – Let them know you hear their frustration by saying “I can see that you’re frustrated.” Or “It seems like you’re nervous that you won’t figure this out.” Or “You feel bad that you made a mistake.” You might also follow this up with a question to get them talking about what they’re stuck on, like “Can you show me the part that’s hard for you?”

3. Turn it around – Now, ask your child a question to engage their problem-solving skills so they can move forward in a positive way. For example, “How can you try this a different way?” or “What part isn’t making sense yet?”

And all you have to remember is YET. Yet, Empathize, Turn it around. To read more about ‘yet’ follow the link below. Holmes, Kelly (2021). One Powerful Word That Will Inspire a Kid Who Says, “I Can’t Do It!” Retrieved from happyyouhappyfamily.com/negative-self-talk-in-children/